“DUDE I’M SINKING...THEN I THINK, WHEN I KNOW SWIMMING, WHY AM I SINKING…I START KICKING… I RESURFACE AND THEN AGAIN…I START SINKING”
I get trapped in the loop. If I think about it, it seems like a problem I can never solve…If I don’t, I’m at ultimate peace. Wait, this has happened before- in a neat not so nice washroom of a youth hostel in some by lane of Amsterdam, I felt this before. Déjà vu.
“I’m SINKING.”
“DON’T THINK. JUST LET YOUR MIND LOSE. YOU WILL BE AT PEACE. AND THEN YOU WILL… STOP. STOP GETTING INTO MY MIND."
I was standing under the shower, adjusting the water taps to get right temperature for god knows how many hours. The skin- biting hot water was falling on my head, dripping down to my shoulders where it lacerated my flesh as it felt freezing cold. I was in the hot cold loop. At times hot on head cold on shoulders, the other times cold on head hot on shoulders. Whichever way, it was never right, I kept on rotating the knob but whatever it felt on my head, it felt opposite on shoulders. Then I thought, if I don’t think about it, I’m at peace.
I climbed on the first floor of bunker bed on the hostel dorm and lied down. I cursed myself. I was not sure what was happening. I could only curse myself for being so experimentative. I recalled how in Shantaram, Gregory wakes up after only six months. I felt scared and trapped in that youth hostel in the middle of nowhere, feeling that I will be forever untraceable.
…Then it started dawning on my eyes. But if I closed them, I was getting too many thoughts in my head to handle….If I opened them, I was getting too many thoughts in my head to handle. I din’t want to sleep lest I never get up again. I wanted to be back in senses and then sleep…
“STOP GETTING INTO MY MIND”
“OK OK..NOW STOP ACTING LIKE THAT…I’M SINKING!! NEXT YOU WOULD WANT TO JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY.
ARE YOU MAD. I DON’T WANT TO JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. DON’T PUT THAT THOUGHT INTO MY MIND. I DON’T WANT TO JUMP OFF. SHWETA, U DON’T WANT TO JUMP OFFTHE BALCONY.
Sitting on that bed, I remember how I recalled that eating will make me feel better. I didn’t have much to eat, I never keep food around myself so I can comfortably diet. I dug in whatever tid-bits I had and ate them up. It did not help much. Dumpkring brownie had done it. My first encounter with the ‘hush’ was not coming round to be great. It left me feeling miserable, stuck and trapped. Net I woke up at 10:30 am with a very fat bald guy inching his face with big eyes towards me and whispering “U are leaving today rite?”
I wake up, look around. Convinced and happy that it dint take me six months though my head was still spinning. I pick things quickly and go down. All in control. Following few hours were spent going around here there and everywhere. Then we took a theme park ride. Wait I am not sure if it happened then or last night. But we did, I am scared of heights , it was raining. I could see only two things-my dangling feet and ABN AMRO logo twinkling on a high rise below me. No more memory. ZILCH. I enjoyed it.
Brain is such a douchebag. twist it here, it goes wild, twist it there, it sobers. It does so many things. Under influence, it overpowers the only organ it can’t otherwise. That is crazy. It goes wild, it beats, stills, sinks, gets calm, ignores, avoids, runs away, plays around, hurts, jerks, desires, repeats, reveals, fools…it enjoys that power…Hallucinates. MAD!
“DID YOU JUST SAY THAT OR WAS I IMAGINING?”
I get trapped in the loop. If I think about it, it seems like a problem I can never solve…If I don’t, I’m at ultimate peace. Wait, this has happened before- in a neat not so nice washroom of a youth hostel in some by lane of Amsterdam, I felt this before. Déjà vu.
“I’m SINKING.”
“DON’T THINK. JUST LET YOUR MIND LOSE. YOU WILL BE AT PEACE. AND THEN YOU WILL… STOP. STOP GETTING INTO MY MIND."
I was standing under the shower, adjusting the water taps to get right temperature for god knows how many hours. The skin- biting hot water was falling on my head, dripping down to my shoulders where it lacerated my flesh as it felt freezing cold. I was in the hot cold loop. At times hot on head cold on shoulders, the other times cold on head hot on shoulders. Whichever way, it was never right, I kept on rotating the knob but whatever it felt on my head, it felt opposite on shoulders. Then I thought, if I don’t think about it, I’m at peace.
I climbed on the first floor of bunker bed on the hostel dorm and lied down. I cursed myself. I was not sure what was happening. I could only curse myself for being so experimentative. I recalled how in Shantaram, Gregory wakes up after only six months. I felt scared and trapped in that youth hostel in the middle of nowhere, feeling that I will be forever untraceable.
…Then it started dawning on my eyes. But if I closed them, I was getting too many thoughts in my head to handle….If I opened them, I was getting too many thoughts in my head to handle. I din’t want to sleep lest I never get up again. I wanted to be back in senses and then sleep…
“STOP GETTING INTO MY MIND”
“OK OK..NOW STOP ACTING LIKE THAT…I’M SINKING!! NEXT YOU WOULD WANT TO JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY.
ARE YOU MAD. I DON’T WANT TO JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. DON’T PUT THAT THOUGHT INTO MY MIND. I DON’T WANT TO JUMP OFF. SHWETA, U DON’T WANT TO JUMP OFFTHE BALCONY.
Sitting on that bed, I remember how I recalled that eating will make me feel better. I didn’t have much to eat, I never keep food around myself so I can comfortably diet. I dug in whatever tid-bits I had and ate them up. It did not help much. Dumpkring brownie had done it. My first encounter with the ‘hush’ was not coming round to be great. It left me feeling miserable, stuck and trapped. Net I woke up at 10:30 am with a very fat bald guy inching his face with big eyes towards me and whispering “U are leaving today rite?”
I wake up, look around. Convinced and happy that it dint take me six months though my head was still spinning. I pick things quickly and go down. All in control. Following few hours were spent going around here there and everywhere. Then we took a theme park ride. Wait I am not sure if it happened then or last night. But we did, I am scared of heights , it was raining. I could see only two things-my dangling feet and ABN AMRO logo twinkling on a high rise below me. No more memory. ZILCH. I enjoyed it.
Brain is such a douchebag. twist it here, it goes wild, twist it there, it sobers. It does so many things. Under influence, it overpowers the only organ it can’t otherwise. That is crazy. It goes wild, it beats, stills, sinks, gets calm, ignores, avoids, runs away, plays around, hurts, jerks, desires, repeats, reveals, fools…it enjoys that power…Hallucinates. MAD!
“DID YOU JUST SAY THAT OR WAS I IMAGINING?”
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