She has no time...

I think this must be the most mammoth task I have undertaken in my life. Study and interpret John Galt's speech. Again. Yes its a mammoth task... If you have read the book, and in fact, did not skip through pages, or paragraphs, you are unreal to me. Your patience and attention is so commendable that you should be put in charge of the hospital ward for people who speak a lot immediately after waking up in the morning.

Ayn Rand's work appeals to me owing to her imagination and the kind of strong characters she has created. I love the arrogance and conviction that they carry. They look so perfect because they think they exactly know what they want. Of course, that's also what makes them just fictitious characters-'They exactly know what they want.'

Anyway, why I read it and write this is because I am a little frustrated... and disappointed... ... and exhausted. These days I wish  I were thick skinned. Private Banking can be a bad profession when the world chooses to go berserk. Rupee has fallen so much that it has become the new benchmark of  'Indian low' beating the soap-operas. This means swooning clients, bleeding country, clueless policy-makers and disillusioned citizens. This means a loss. A situation out of control. A show of own downfall which you witness helplessly. This means your plans don't go the way you thought, and uncertainty. This also means lot of reasons being created due to lack or loss of money which will effect you strongly. Maybe forever.

This means a step that can take you back or alter the future of your schemes forever. In a way, its just loss of money which is after-all, not to be loved. Remember- love people, buy things? But money is like DNA that flows in family and shapes up the next generations. You see it in your grand children's eyes, habits and the way they walk.

This time of financial markets will be cited in future, over and over again- there will be multiple interwined stories. Financial Planning is actually an intelligent concept. It fucks you emotionally while forces you to make decisions in your head. Don't compromise that vacation your wife deserves, that education your child aspires, that flight your relation hinges on. Numbers pop up with fuzzy logic based on assumption, probability, historic pattern and most ironic of all- on what you want...as if you know!

So in this desperation, Individuals behave and go through all sort of emotional stages when they lose. They cry, shout, neglect, ignore, blame, hibernate and even exaggerate. Despondence has many faces but it smells the same. Fresh smell of regret with a hint of woody anger and stale optimism, all wrapped-up in the subtle mist of hind-sight.

Of course, If I could behave professionally just as I pleased, I would ask them to picture how many other things can happen to them which will be worse than losing money. That should make them feel better (My 9-5 self says this will also plant the idea of buying insurance and trust services in their head) Or maybe I could hint them that 'greed spares none' is not just a phrase; mix it with the karma and sir you deserved it! I will either convince them that how people lose more important things in life and this is just tangible money. Or I will hammer it in their head so deep that they skip bullshit emotions and scenarios and  reach acceptance instantaneously.

Anyway back to John Galt. To connect how I reach his topic from a stressful day at office...I was, like everyone else, feeling super disillusioned as an Indian. That's when I though of his speech on moral crisis. I have always found his idea of 'disappearing by leaving the world-we-know so that parasites don't suck on  you' fascinating...

I was mulling when I realized, in a dramatic flash, that It is sad to be finally out of that unchallenged euphoria of India's growth. I grew up to feel happy to be born at right time right place-to witness a change, to believe that slowly and surely we are headed in the right direction. This was clearly established. This thought was like fashion. Everyone was imitating and believed it looked good on them. This was what was written in our civics textbooks and repeated in scholarly articles. Giant elephant's strong steps. Soft skills and young population. IT shining bright like a diamond.

This it is now. The belief is dead. The GPS must have got stuck so we definitely missed the turn. Now there is no signal, no battery..and we have forgotten primitive ways of finding our way out... On top of it, being a non-resident adds on to make you feel a little guilty about it at times. Not that I can change a thing if I return, but next of kin feel that ailing people get comfort from their people around, even if they aren't doctors...India is now ailing.

Actually the problem is that one's country is just a notion. She has no face. I can't call her to tell that she better clear her mess, or try to talk her out of behaving as if she has no esteem. I can't fly back and give her a surprise visit to make her feel that I care and she better get back on track. I can't try, almost desperately, to win back her trust and feel loved and important. I can't remind her of her accomplishments and dreams that we had. I can't give her ideas, re-ignite her passion, remind her of our best times... I can't tell her what options she has if she chooses to gave up on what she has been. Worst, I can't even leave her on her own to realize her mistake with time.

She has no time- every day she is getting less important to the world. Few want to downgrade her, few invade her, others have lost  faith and if it matters, few like me- have left her!

What's weird is that we did come a long way. We never had any doubt whatsoever. Timelines were not agreed-upon and extent of dynamism debated, but the story convinced everyone alike. Now it feels like a tug of war in which we were a part of huge chain that is being pulled back on the wrong side. All we do is keep moving with the chain, waiting to accept defeat as we cross that line. I maybe sad with the turn of events. I maybe sad that i will miss out on telling the great rise of India's story to my grandkids, or showing them pictures of the same street which changed into a magnificent skyline from debris while I grew. Or maybe I am ashamed of being a rat of sinking ship that flees first, or the mean one to break-up. I maybe just tired due to disillusioned clients calling me over loss of few thousand dollars delaying everything in their life. Maybe....

I maybe waiting for that long beep and red warning on the car screen showing that it has been reversed enough, nearing a permanent damage. It's time to change gears and move on... Just that I ain't driving.